regularassbitch

It was a grisly sight at the home of Matthew Perry late last night when paramedics stumbled upon the late actor's body under the water in his hot tub. Witnesses described the series of events as 'chaotic', with the actor apparently dying and clearing his bowels. The fecal matter then started cycling as the jets and heat continued to work, creating a poopy bonito that dissolved into a broth that "smelled like if a turd died".

The body had to be hosed off for several hours as the poouillon had stuck to his body, creating a fecal marinade that complicated the autopsy. Coroners first believed the actor had died of diarrhea poisoning, only changing their opinion after the butt brine had been cleared off.

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The musician, 80, read out pages of notes about a mole that had been developing near his genitals, including a worry that it would 'start annexing [his] stuff if left unchecked'. The improvised dermatology session lasted for 20 minutes - leaving audience members stunned.

Fans became enraged, eventually starting dueling chants of 'let's go d*** mole' and 'd*** moles suck', bouncing multiple beach balls around and generally getting rowdy after almost half an hour without any indication that the artist was going to sing a song.

The conflict came to a head when Waters invited an audience member to come on stage and tell him 'if it looked like melanoma'. The fan got on stage, looked at the singer's mole and genital region, threw up, then told the singer to 'f*** off and ask a doctor'. Waters immediately left the stage afterward, completely red with embarrassment, shuffling with his pants at his ankles like a little crab.

It is not clear why the fan went to look, only that what they saw was concerning enough to warrant a visceral reaction. For Waters' sake, hopefully it wasn't the mole that made them puke.