ADHD

In the last few years, my symptoms have improved in one area (task completion) but have severely worsened in another: short term memory. In fact, it's become so bad that I can't even remember what I just said a moment before 9 times out of 10, not just what others may have said.

How do you deal with remembering things like that?

Writing things down, especially in meetings, is really difficult for me because I end up spending more time typing and less time thinking about what people are saying.

As my workplace has a busy week all this week, I fear the inevitable flood of ableism my co-workers are gonna put me through. Too often they've scolded me for my ADHD symptoms like being out of my desk to walk around, staring off into space, not focusing, or fidgeting with stuff. And their responses have been terrible; they've ranged from stuff like barring my exit, telling me to "focus", threatening to cut my pay or fire me, etc. And since I have autism, I end up being so overwhelmed that I go into a crying fit or meltdown, and they always threaten to remove me because I'm "being disruptive". Perhaps I should quit at the rate things are going. Having to suffer through so much ableist stuff is getting to me at this rate...

#ADHD

Hello, fellow ADHDers. I'm in the verge of despair and irreversible frustration.

Here is my situation. I'm trying to prepare to pass a competitive service exam in Spain, Europe. I'm from Spain, by the way. So, because it's a competitive service exam, there is always a ratio of 30 or 40 people per job offer. So, if there are 1.000 job offers and 40.000 people to pass that exam, I need to be among those 1000 best marks.

Anyway, because of that, I need to study like 10 hours per day, 6 days per week. I put one day to rest because I don't like to be burnt out. But what happens? It happens that I'm only able to study 2 hours per day, or barely 3 during my best days. And the rest of the day, I procrastinate or do useless stuff, even when I want to study with all my strength.

I tried caffeine two weeks ago, and until today, it worked for 2 or 3 days, allowing me to study during those hours. But other days, maybe I was able to study for 4 hours, or even 5.

So, if you struggled like me and you were able to succeed, how did you do that? How can I force myself to study for 10 hours per day like normal people do with no issues?

PS: I'm not allowed to take any ADHD stimulants. No Concerta, no Elvanse... I only take atomoxetine, since March 2023.

What follows is a repost (as a thread) what I wrote not too long ago (as a comment) because it bears repeating. Many of us struggle with task completion and carry around a ton of grief and guilt because of it. HOWEVER, we should reframe all of that, which this post is a reminder to try to do. Good luck, everyone.

This Twitter thread was recently posted to reddit. You decide whether it's insightful, depressing, or both. Excerpts (highlights are mine):

Modern life consists of *tasks*. A never-ending series of clearly-defined simple-to-achieve Things. To. Do.
Not problems to solve, questions to answer, ideas to have, dances to learn, or universes to imagine.
Tasks. To complete.

It's not simple to pay a bill. It's not simple to call a support line. It's not simple to mail something to something. It's not simple to do any of the billion simple things we are each expected to do every day.
And if you have ADHD, there is no reward. Only lack of punishment.

Think about that. ADHD people who heal their trauma and their relationship to panic and anxiety and shame *suddenly find themselves unable to do their jobs or focus on their responsibilities*. Why?

Because fear was all that was motivating them. They have to relearn how to want.

This part is, for me at least, the most uplifting:

Let's go back to that trail of half-finished art projects. Do you know why you didn't finish them?
Because there's nothing more there for you to learn.
That's it. Why would you finish them?

Your projects are your way of asking the universe a question, and then digging and digging and digging until the universe answers.
You are motivated by curiosity, and that is a blessed gift, not a source of shame. Your unfinished work is the testament to your growth.

Those aren't abandoned projects -- those are the remaining scaffolds from the the space ships that they launched.
It was never about finishing the thing. Forgive yourself for that.

I was chatting with a friend and tried to convey how crippling a really bad day (for me at least) can be. I needed tangible examples that really drive the point home. So I started making a list.

Sensory Overload: In a room filled with flashing lights, loud overlapping music, and strong scents, read a few book pages without stopping.

Physical Restlessness: Try to stay standing with elastic bands around your legs and arms, as they slowly pull away and begin to stretch.

Memory Maze: While navigating an obstacle course, remember a series of numbers or words. At the end, recall the series in the correct order.

Time Blindness Race: Complete a task without access to a clock or timer. While periodically being rushed or falsely warned of time running out

I realized that if I were to do any combination of these to a person all at once, it starts to fulfill the legal defenition of torture.

That's when it hit me.

It's so frustrating because it can be so intensely afwul, and you know that if they were to experience it for a day, they would be a crying mess by the end of it. Granted, these examples are extreme, and I'm sure someone out there could do these and be fine. But how long could they keep it up? It may be easier some days, but others it is truly debilitating.

This is probably old news for some, but I've only recently had to talk to people about it. It makes me so angry that they can just blow it off. Lucky for me my friend is very empathetic and understood what I was trying to get across.

I'm trying to teach myself to use the godot engine to create a game, and god is it hard to concentrate. I don't really know how to begin, even after following the tutorial, and I'm second guessing myself constantly about what step I should take to make progress or even broaden my knowledge and understanding, and it's a constant battle to resist just starting up some game or other, to do anything except actually work on this.

I finally found the spring for my freezer's ice tray which I had put away in a "logical place" for "safe keeping" until I was able to fix it.

I just needed to share this win with someone, because everything else is not going so well. Anybody else had any wins today?

This explains why sometimes I'll research something or study German on my days off instead of playing a video game. I thought I was "wasting" my day off and not properly relaxing. Instead, I was letting my brain off its leash to do what it wanted and that's what it picked. That task was actually relaxing for my brain at that moment.

It's amazing how much ADHD I've been fighting moment to moment without realizing it.

I work in a bit of a chaotic job where work is generally self directed and I get a constant flow of email, messages, and people coming to talk to me. I just got my ADHD diagnosis and have an appointment for medication coming up. I decided to do an activity log to see what I was doing in a day so I could compare before and after medication.

I tried to plug in my phone 4 times in the span of an hour before I finally did it. Like had the end of the charger and my phone in hand and got distracted because I realized I forgot/needed to do X, Y, Z. I set out the day with a goal and before I knew it I had a half dozen half written messages, a longer Todo list, and no work done towards what I needed. Guess what I'm doing this evening? Lol

How long has this been going on? I knew I was struggling with motivation and focus, but it blows my mind how present it is moment to moment.

Fingers crossed for medication.

I would highly recommend doing an activity journal as a point of reference. Within a day it has already put things into perspective for me.

I wasn't able to get it checked out earlier in my adult life due to being a independent contractor for so long (american healthcare.... yay). Now though, I've got the time and the insurance to cover everything. It's actually a relief to know that it's not just me being incompetent.

Now I wait for a prescription and hope that sets me on the right path.

I need major help with this. I am stagnating in life, I don't know where to go next due to this issue.

The things I like to do (in cycles bc,,, as title said i dont stick to hobbies) are always something super competitive or don't make any money. I like to learn, so I dive into all sorts of hobbies like coding, 3D art, vfx, video game development, a whole bunch of random things (but are generally about creation).

I do not have the ambition, motivation, or lasting interest to pursue just one of these things, ESPECIALLY not as a career. If I pick a career path based on a passing interest, I will hate my career and become even more depressed, and honestly just quit no matter the consequences (ive done this with jobs). I literally will pour hours of dedication into learning something random like coding (on this right now), and drop it next week like I never touched it and move on to another thing. I cant force myself to go back to it, either. This is a painful process to me, it's as though my learning is all in vain as I let my knowledge fade away, and worse, this makes it so I CANNOT settle on a career.

If anyone has any advice for me, I am open to every and all suggestions. If you have been through similar and got through it, please let me know how. I do take adderall btw.

edit: thank you all for your thoughtful responses, i have read them and i do plan on answering as soon as i have the time! thank you guys so so much 💜

#adhd

For me its when someone tells me to bring them something. If i try to find something that i need, i will find it really quickly. If someone is asking me to find something for them in a room, it is like i become blind and even if its in front of me, it is really hard to find it.

This whole lecture is close to 3 hours long, but incredibly informative! The best educational primer on ADHD I have come across. I learned a lot about myself, and what I wish my parents had known when I was growing up.

Am excited to get my dopamine from a new place but damn there's a lot of reading to get to grips with this fediverse thing.

Not sure how well that's going to play out but I'm in an "everything is too boring to do but also I'm bored" mood so reading more than a couple of paragraphs is beyond me.

Excited to find out more though.

Anyone else struggling?